The Last Post...

....was just one of those really, raw, emotionally trying times of parenting...albeit the worst I've ever had. Thanks for listening and for your comments. It helps to know I am not alone, and it also helped...even though it was emotionally raw to just write out my feelings I was feeling that night. The green bucket is history, and hopefully there will not be a red bucket any time soon...unless it's related to the colors of Christmas, and with that I would like to wish each and everyone of you a Very Merry & Warm Christmas and a Very Happy Shiney New Year!

I WANT MY GREEN BUCKET

I wish I could at least type about the title, but I can't because I've heard it for the last hour and a 1/2 over and over again like a broken record, and now there is a broken window, and my tears are about to break.

I see all these blogs where family and parenting life seems to go so smoothly and peacefully. It's 11:30 pm and she still in there crying this time over and over again "mommy.....mama........

and what so bad is I've done the no eye contact, no communication, calmly laying her back down in her room, and then I heard the glass break.

Parenting isn't a pretty picture if we are all honest. I hope. Not that other's have to be if the same rings true in their/your lives, but I find myself having to vent the trying, difficult, times of parenting, especially when there's this sweet little red headed girl who has a serious case of STUBBORNESS!!!, and that's all, which fortunately doesn't happen very often, but when it does it is NOT pretty in many ways. Wears me out mentally, and makes me feel at a loss, but I still am calm to the point of wanting to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even with a broken window, and breaking tears, the feelings of guilt/self-blame, and whatever else these tears are I can't name. Oh..a complete failure I've failed somewhere?! I just cant take this anymore. Why does my life have to be like this? I don't know what else to do. And I don't have just one girl, but 2, 2 yrs apart, and they have almost, no not almost, they have the 2 of them together drove me literally insane. At times. More often than not. And I don't know what else to do. or how else to explain all the negative I haven't even mentioned that comes with trying to be the best parent I can be for them. I just don't think I'm good enough. I'm doing something wrong. There's a 13 yr and a 15yr age difference between my oldest who turned 19 the 27th, and the experiences with him are totally different, and I'm in a lot of ways in some very uncharted territory where I feel totally overwhelmed, and in all honesty I wish I could just run away, but I can't because it's too heartbreaking to think of leaving them, but yet the fantasy of escape is tranquil for my frazzled self.

I do feel guilty posting this because of all the other blogs I read where parents have lost their children, and would probably give anything in the world to hear over and over again "I WANT MY GREEN BUCKET." But I cannot minimize the feelings I have by comparing myself to others who have lost babies because my feelings are just as valid, as all our situations and lives are so unique.

This is raw, and if anyone reads this please forgive me if I have hurt anyone because it's so not my intentions at all.. I'm just a frazzle of emotions right now and this is the only place I don't come because of the all consuming of trying to parent these children. My life is totally upside down, and everytime I right it it's always teetering on the brink only to turn upside down again. Like the game Jenga...that's my life. Over and over again, and I'm getting tired, but when the blocks fall I start again just like the game of Jenga, except I'm living it.

Am I thankful? Yes and No.

All is finally silent now, and my tears will break the silence until I fall asleep.