Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Last Post...

....was just one of those really, raw, emotionally trying times of parenting...albeit the worst I've ever had. Thanks for listening and for your comments. It helps to know I am not alone, and it also helped...even though it was emotionally raw to just write out my feelings I was feeling that night. The green bucket is history, and hopefully there will not be a red bucket any time soon...unless it's related to the colors of Christmas, and with that I would like to wish each and everyone of you a Very Merry & Warm Christmas and a Very Happy Shiney New Year!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I wish I could at least type about the title, but I can't because I've heard it for the last hour and a 1/2 over and over again like a broken record, and now there is a broken window, and my tears are about to break.

I see all these blogs where family and parenting life seems to go so smoothly and peacefully. It's 11:30 pm and she still in there crying this time over and over again "mommy.....mama........

and what so bad is I've done the no eye contact, no communication, calmly laying her back down in her room, and then I heard the glass break.

Parenting isn't a pretty picture if we are all honest. I hope. Not that other's have to be if the same rings true in their/your lives, but I find myself having to vent the trying, difficult, times of parenting, especially when there's this sweet little red headed girl who has a serious case of STUBBORNESS!!!, and that's all, which fortunately doesn't happen very often, but when it does it is NOT pretty in many ways. Wears me out mentally, and makes me feel at a loss, but I still am calm to the point of wanting to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even with a broken window, and breaking tears, the feelings of guilt/self-blame, and whatever else these tears are I can't name. Oh..a complete failure I've failed somewhere?! I just cant take this anymore. Why does my life have to be like this? I don't know what else to do. And I don't have just one girl, but 2, 2 yrs apart, and they have almost, no not almost, they have the 2 of them together drove me literally insane. At times. More often than not. And I don't know what else to do. or how else to explain all the negative I haven't even mentioned that comes with trying to be the best parent I can be for them. I just don't think I'm good enough. I'm doing something wrong. There's a 13 yr and a 15yr age difference between my oldest who turned 19 the 27th, and the experiences with him are totally different, and I'm in a lot of ways in some very uncharted territory where I feel totally overwhelmed, and in all honesty I wish I could just run away, but I can't because it's too heartbreaking to think of leaving them, but yet the fantasy of escape is tranquil for my frazzled self.

I do feel guilty posting this because of all the other blogs I read where parents have lost their children, and would probably give anything in the world to hear over and over again "I WANT MY GREEN BUCKET." But I cannot minimize the feelings I have by comparing myself to others who have lost babies because my feelings are just as valid, as all our situations and lives are so unique.

This is raw, and if anyone reads this please forgive me if I have hurt anyone because it's so not my intentions at all.. I'm just a frazzle of emotions right now and this is the only place I don't come because of the all consuming of trying to parent these children. My life is totally upside down, and everytime I right it it's always teetering on the brink only to turn upside down again. Like the game Jenga...that's my life. Over and over again, and I'm getting tired, but when the blocks fall I start again just like the game of Jenga, except I'm living it.

Am I thankful? Yes and No.

All is finally silent now, and my tears will break the silence until I fall asleep.

Friday, October 16, 2009


This was my (and still is) favorite book as a child. We went to see Ice age a few months ago, and when the preview for this movie came on I knew exactly what it was or I was hoping it was, and it was!!!

WTWTA starts today in theaters, and I'm going with my children tomorrow. I can't wait:)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hurricane Ike Eye

Analogy of meditation

Friday, August 21, 2009

Designs and Directions..

Please excuse my blog construction and it's lack of directions.

What have You Done?

Taken from "Tale Of Two Coins" blogspot.

Bought everyone in the bar a drink


Swam with wild dolphin

I would LOVE to

Taken a Ferrari for a test drive


Been inside a Pyramid


Held a tarantula

Hell No!

Taken a candle lit bath


Said I love you and meant it


Hugged a Tree


Bungee jumped


Visited Paris

Yes. Paris, Tennessee

Watched a lightening storm at sea


Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

Oh yes.

Seen the Northern Lights

Yes..I will not ever forget that night!

Gone to a huge sports game


Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa

I doubt I would if I could

Grown and eaten your own vegetables


Touched an iceberg


Slept under the stars

No, I would like to in the fall/winter

Changed a baby’s diaper

Yes, yes, yes, yes.......

Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

No...I'm just a watcher

Watched a meteor shower


Gotten drunk on champagne


Given more than you can afford to charity


Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

No, but I would like to

Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment


Had a food fight

Yes...and it was soooo much FUN! Made the clean-up worth it

Bet on a winning horse


Asked out a stranger


Had a snowball fight

Yeah...a hit the face hurts

Screamed as loudly as you possibly can


Held a lamb


Seen a total eclipse


Ridden a rollercoaster


Hit a home run


Danced like a fool, not caring who watched


Adopted an accent for an entire day

I can't do the accent thing

Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment

Oh Yes

Had two hard drives for your computer

Need another one

Visited all 50 states


Taken care of someone who was too drunk

Yes...and I didn't even know how to drive a stick shift-lol

Had amazing Friends


Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country


Watched wild whales


Stolen a sign

A high school

Hitchhiked in Europe

Not ever

Taken a road-trip


Gone rock climbing


Midnight walk on the beach


Gone sky diving

No, but I want to

Visited Ireland


Been heartbroken longer than you were in love

Feels like sometimes

In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them


Visited Japan

Not physically

Milked a cow


Alphabetized your CDs


Pretended to be a superhero

Pretended NOT to be "Wonder Woman"

Sung karaoke


Lounged around in bed all day


Posed nude in front of strangers


Gone scuba diving

I would love to....but I'm too claustrophobic

Kissed in the rain


Played in the mud


Played in the rain


Gone to a drive-in theater


Visited the Great Wall of China

Not physically

Started a business

Thought about it

Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

Of course not

Toured ancient sites


Taken a martial arts class


Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight


Gotten married

For 20 yrs

Been in a movie


Crashed a party


Gotten divorced


Gone without food for 5 days

R u kidding?

Made cookies from scratch


Won first prize in a costume contest

No, but I've always wanted to

Ridden a gondola in Venice


Gotten a tattoo

I am

Rafted the Snake River

No, just floated the Buffalo, which is just as 'Snaky"

Been on television news program as an “expert”

Got flowers for no reason


Performed on a stage


Been to Las Vegas


Recorded Music


Eaten shark

Probably so

Had a one-night stand


Gone to Thailand


Bought a house


Been in a combat zone


Buried one/both of your parents

No Thankfully

Been on a cruise ship


Spoken more than one language fluently


Performed in Rocky Horror

No...don't like it

Raised children

In Proccess

Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

No..I wish

Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

Reminds me too much of "Hostel" No Thank You!

Picked up and moved to another city


Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge

No, and won't

Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking

All the time

Had plastic surgery

I want too in a few areas

Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have


Wrote articles for a large publication

Maybe someday?

Lost over 100 lbs


Held someone while they were having a flashback

No...I wonder if that would be possible because I would be startled if held during a flashback

Piloted an airplane

I wonder what that's like?

Petted a stingray

Yes..flying angels

Broken someone’s heart

Yes, and it broke my heart that I did

Helped an animal give birth

Many times

Won money on a TV game show


Broken a bone

Just pinky finger

Gone on an African safari


Had a body part below the neck pierced

Never..unless I had a tummy before children

Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol


Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild


Ridden a horse


Had major surgery


Had a snake as a pet


Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon


Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours


Visited more foreign countries than US States


Visited all 7 continents


Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days


Eaten Kangaroo meat

Only ostrich

Eaten sushi

My favorite!

Had your picture in the paper


Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

I don't know?

Gone back to school



Not yet

Petted a cockroach


Eaten fried green tomatoes


Read the Illiad


Selected one important author who you missed school to read

I don't understand?

Killed and prepared an animal for eating


Skipped all of your school reunions


Communicated with someone without sharing a common language


Been elected to public office


Written your own computer language

No interested

Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

Partly I am

Had to put someone you love in hospice care


Build your own PC from parts


Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours


Had a booth in a street fair


Dyed your hair

One time..and never again depending on what my gray hair looks like

Been a DJ


Shaved your head


Caused a car accident


Saved someone’s life


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Remembering Harry

Harry passed away a few weeks ago, but his "smile" will always be remembered.

He was only 5 in cat years-a beautifully sweet persian.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Caught in a WhirlWind...

....that's me. Caught up so much in a whirlwind for so long I didn't even have a name for what I have been experiencing, until my Dad and I had a talk while he was here a week or so ago visiting.

It's nice to have at least a word to describe...basically everything, including not visiting my blog that much.

I am in a whirlwind struggling to see the directions I must go...I'm called to go, but as Dad said the same happened to him years ago when he became closer in his relationship with God after God revealed Himself with such clarity.

There is an evil force that surrounds all of us everyday, but it's when 2 powerful forces collide I'm caught in the whirlwind.

There is a purpose for this whirlwind. I think it's because God is protecting me and making me stronger for the purpose He has for me that I feel called to. I get aggravated sometimes, but He takes care of me by providing the rest I need.

Whew....He gives me rest, but today I am spinning rapidly in the whirlwind.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

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This is not a storm cloud. I knew it could not be a storm cloud when I turned the corner at my home that day, but I did wonder, could it be? The sights in my eyes made my mind run through a lot of "could be's," such as a plane crash? A military exercise that went wrong? A gas explosion at a gas station? A chemical explosion? None of those questions were even close to what I saw here in a photo that does not even begin to give justice. I have never seen a cloud as large, wide, tall, and as dense as this. I also had never seen the white parts of a cloud covered in such shiny irridescent colors. I quickly went inside simultaneously grabbed my camera and checked our local online news. This cloud was a smoke cloud created from an out of control wildfire here in Myrtle Beach that unfortunately made the news and caused many losses, but incredibly and thankfully not one life was lost.
This photo was taken from my front yard, and even though the cloud seemed to be so close I could touch it..the distance is approx 20 miles away, which is actually WAY TO CLOSE! If the winds had shifted like they were forcasted to do I sincerely doubt I would be sitting here at my computer sharing this with you. 76 homes were lost that day not counting all the cars burned to steel skeletons.

If you would like to help the many victims who lost everything they had, except for the breath of life, you may do so by clicking HERE, or HERE. Thank you.

Update 8/9/09: One person and the first person to move back into his neighborhood and home just happened last week. Check it out here and click on "Back Home in Barefoot."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

His Prom

It hasn't been too long ago when I held him in my arms when he was a wee little one, and dreamed of the approaching years ahead. It only seems like yesterday.
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Hiding & Peeking...

....with a sparkle in her eyes with "Bunny."
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Dirty Face Pose

But the eyes have it!
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"His Will Wednesdays"

I don't post much on my blog, and it's not because I don't have something to say, or I am a far from that... I just don't have the words because my words are trapped in trapped emotions right now. Also what is me trapped I don't know what direction to go with it, and other people like me, their blogs are open. I just don't have the courage to do that, but I pray I do gain the courage because my words need to be spoken.

I really don't know where to begin exactly because this coincides in some kind of way with my last entry.

I guess I will begin with the first blog I checked on this morning, which had been removed, so I checked some other blogs to see what was going on. I did have doubts in the last 2 weeks, or maybe a little longer with the decision of a home birth with an unhealthy baby among a few other things, but it was extremely easy to give a huge benefit of a doubt, which slowly began to fade. I just made up my mind I had to stay with the benefit of a doubt because "What if it was?" until it was proven to me.

Since it has been proven to me, I do not feel whatsoever any negative feelings toward "B" or the "April Rose's" blog based on what I know. Let me explain if I can.

This is what I know and this is why I do not have any negative feelings toward "B." On mother's day I posted a comment on her blog wishing her a " Happy Mother's Day." The next post after mother's day on her blog, I totally assumed was about my wishes of a happy mother's day because she did not post my comment and was referring to the hurtful comment(s) she had received on mother's day i.e., something about being happy with a sick baby-I can't remember exactly.

I immediately emailed her, and explained why I only commented those 3 words on mother's day, and I was not trying at all to inflict hurt, and why I was only able to comment with those 3 words, and nothing else. I also told her mother's day was painful for me, and words were difficult for me to own, and a vague explanation of why, but regardless of deep pains many mother's live with, and the trials and tribulations of being a mother with all it's varied emotions we still should be HAPPY that we are mother's! and I wished this for her even in her pain. I also shared vaguely with her my spiritual struggles..remember I have a difficult time finding, freeing, and owning the words, so it was very brief. I didn't expect her to email me back, and she didn't, but....

The next "His Will Wednesday's" she had me posted for prayer-I needed direction in my life....I can't remember, I think something about seeking God's Will, or something like that.

Then, I see this morning April Rose's blog has been removed, and my previously held doubts I put aside were revealed to me, and this is what else has been revealed to me.

This person "B" does not need our anger, our disappointments, or any negativity, and the reasons why are because she desperately needs and deserves the LOVE, PEACE, ACCEPTANCE, COMFORT, from us through GOD who LIVES in us, so that HE maybe fully revealed to her. She NEEDS HIM and she NEEDS us. She never asked for a dime that I know of, she remembered with the help of the Misty Rice blogger so many people who desperately needed the love and prayers of God, and she even remembered me in my vagueness. I have never, ever on a blog seen so much pain remembered for other's to reach out to in a great time of need I saw in "His Will Wednesdays."

This is really what she needs, that's what she's asking for in the only way she knows how. She deserves it! We should all do a "His Will Wednesdays" and she should always be included,and remembered because obviously she is in some deep pains, and even more so now, and if she has a conscience, which I think she does....she can do without any of our negativity because right now she's in more than we could ever give.

The only thing negative I see in the trust that has been, could be, and can be destroyed with fellow bloggers, and bloggers in general because it creates a "crying wolf syndrome," along with the people who have been deeply affected by such actions, and the overwhelming stress things such as these create for those directly affected, and other's as well.

I have only seen one other blog hoax, and it was really nasty because these people had stolen
money "crying wolf" very loudly seeking donations for their personal "sickness."

Just my thoughts, and finally a few words I can own.

Thanks for listening.

And for "His Will Wednesday's" please remember in your prayers all that are suffering, and all that are dealing with this issues, and any other issues we all face in painful, difficultm different circumstances and situations.

In His Love,

Sunday, May 17, 2009


I'm listening trying to find and own my own words. Until then just listen to my eyes at my photo blog link to the right.


Listen or your tongue
will keep you deaf
~Native American Proverb

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

One Day....

...I will have the words, even on "Wordless Wednesday"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sweet Little Kayleigh

Still lives, even though she passed from this world May 11th. Please remember her family in your prayers. I know their hearts are aching over the loss of this precious baby.


Friday, April 24, 2009

We are Burning Up!

I went to pick up my children Wednesday afternoon, and on the way back I saw this humongous cloud of smoke standing in the sky like a large skyscraper. I had never seen anything like that before, although I have seen smoke rise from fires, but not like that.

I was alarmed because I knew if it was a fire it was a big one! I at first thought military plane crash? Then my next thought was a wildfire, because the smoke cloud was just too large.

I take photos of clouds, and I did take some photos I haven't uploaded off of my camera yet.

A friend of mine's mother lives in that area, but she's on the other side of the waterway offering some protection, unless the fire decides to jump it, which it can, but hopefully not!

The last update 69 homes had been burned with 100 damaged. The fire has burned 20,000 acres. The fire is 50% contained overall, and 75% contained in the N Myrtle Beach area.

Yesterday the wind wasn't as bad as the day the fire started, and today we have had an increase in humidity, which has helped some, but the winds are supposed to increase to around 25mph mainly for coastal areas, but this will affect the fire and it is expected to increase and move toward the Poplar community on SC90.

The good news is there have been no fatalities or injuries, but there are many displaced residents whose homes that have burned to ash, and their cars are completely charred. There are pets that have been rescued. Pets are not allowed in shelters, and the Red Cross has requested a mobile canine unit at the shelters, which should just be mandatory if you ask me!

I know firsthand about the American Red Cross-They Are Truly Awesome! If you wish to help please call 1-800-GiveLife to donate to the American Red Cross.

I know all our firefighters are really burning up today with this humidity and a HOT, raging fire they are trying to battle that has a mind of its own.

This fire is a little too close for comfort for me, but the only affect we have is a smoky haze that hasn't been too dense, and also depends on which way the wind blows it the hardest. I have seen some ashes, and ashes have been reported even in Little River yesterday.

Pine trees like to burn hot, and that's mostly what we have with lots of undergrowth in undeveloped areas.

Roads are closed due to very low visability like at one time only a 1/4 mile visability.

Please don't burn when advised not too. It can wait! Or load it up and take it to your local landfill.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

For Kayleigh She needs Urgent Prayers!

I know not many people read my blog because I don't have the time I need to blog like I want because I have too many interests, but I do still read the stacks I like, and this I found on one of those stacks this morning.

Please visit this little girl Kayleigh and her family here. She needs our prayers and so does her family. If anyone happens to read. Please.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Special Olympians are Olympians!

Yes I am referring to his style of bowling he mentioned on the Jay Leno show. Obama says he bowls like he was in the Special Olympics. He should be proud because that means he is an exceptional bowler. He should be proud because that means he defies great odds stacked against him. He should be proud because that means he owns courage. He should be proud because that means he believes whole heartedly in himself and owns a strong self-confidence of "I can do anything" or I can become anything." He should be proud because he never gives up and works tirelessly to overcome, and never succumbs to defeat. He should be proud because he owns determination. He should be proud because he sets goals and reaches them, and owns the examples of preseverance and endurance He should be proud of all the encouraging example(s) he owns and sets for all to see and learn from. He should be proud to own the spirit of a Special Olympian, and should be proud to own the title of a Special Olympic bowler.

He also should be proud that his uneducated and shallow comments can be applied in so many areas, and in so many ways on such a grand scale for all the Special Olympians in the world. He should be proud, and give himself a big hug because his comments have facilitated the uneducated to become educated, and think about how they react to Special Olympians in thought, in stares, in speech, and in any stigmatizing behaviors. His should be proud that his comments will facilitate personal and interpersonal awareness, and that this awareness will facilitate more aggressive action oriented approaches for all our Special Olympians. Who knows one day we might be on the same team, but if not I will be cheering from the sidelines.

This is dedicated to my Special Olympian Hayden "He talks to Angels" Warren and all Special Olympians past, present, and future.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Cheesedoodle Rants

Good Morning...

I was just over at Nate's blog I enjoy his blog so much because it just isn't about what all they have been through, but about so much more and all they have been through with the so much more together..if that makes sense. If you've never visited "Confessions of a CF Husband it's worth your time to travel over there and check it out. He also has links to other relevant blogs such as his wife Tricia's blog, his photo blog, and others that are just as god to visit.

A few weeks ago he posted some photos of his cute little daughter Gwyneth holding and looking at a cheesedoodle, and then she decided to take that orange looking thing to her mouth to check it out. The photo's of her cute exploration can be found
here. Unfortunately...there are comments from a few that make me want to have a cheesedoodle rant, and that's what I'm gonna do here on my blog.

Get OVER it! We only live once! Enjoy life and live it to the fullest. We are all dying this very second, and none of us are guaranteed the next second whether we smoke or not, drink or not, take vitamins or not, follow the food pyramid exactly or not, or eat cheesedoodles or not. None of us are perfect. None of us eat perfectly. None of us have the ability to eat, exercise, and/or do everything perfectly to prevent us from dying or being healthy. All that we can do is do the best that we can and there is nothing wrong with trying, but none of us are going to do those things needed absolutely perfectly.

Maybe you don't eat cheesedoodles, or you don't agree with a father feeding his baby daughter a cheesedoodle because it's "unhealthy," or the doodle contains too much sodium, but do you eat a diet of foods perfectly? Do you avoid all those foods that are considered unhealthy? Of course not. So stop being so critical of someone else and what they do, and mind your own business.

And be thankful. Be thankful there are cheesedoodles to eat. Be thankful there is food to eat. Be thankful there is freeedom to eat, and quit trying to make such issues out of food choices because there may, and let's certainly pray and hope there's not, be a day where cheesedoodles is all anyone can afford to eat, but since they have been deemed unhealthy and unfit for human consumption, and banned there will not be anything to eat.

Cheesedoodles may be feeding children that otherwise may starve because that's all their families can affor to purchase right now.

During the Great Depression people literally starved to their deaths, and I am sure would have appreciated cheesedoodles.

I'm disappointed in you people that keep making such a big deal out of these things, and can't mind your own business because little do you know that you are taking your own freedoms of choices away as well as our own, so please....GET OVER IT!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Happy? New Year

I haven't been blogging lately. I don't know if anyone even reads because I rarely recieve comments, but my blog gives me an outlet when time allows, and time doesn't allow much. I also have been on a painful, frustrating, lonely grieving, path filled with many overwhelming at times insights of wisdom. I know this path doesn't only effect me, but others who know me, even here on this blog due to my lack of posting, lack of words, and ....I forgot the rest of my post because my cable was interrupted, and all that I typed wasn't saved:(, but I do remember it ended in HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all...

...And the baby's 3 today!

Happy Birthday Madison!! 3 years already! We Love You!!