Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Wishes Fulfilled

I wanted to share something with all of you that I think will provide another perspective after a loved one dies, and one that I plan to do as well.

It also makes me think about the reasons for life insurance and the expenses and stresses involved with funerals, and that really it's just a business providing services for the community. Funerals are not for the dead, but really only for the living. I do want to say I sincerely respect anyone who feels a funeral home is the way for them to remember/bury a lost loved one because I think we all need to do what brings comfort and peace with death, and/or death of a loved one.

My grandmother decided years ago she did not want a funeral, and only graveside services. Then she decided she didn't even want graveside services. Being younger, at first I didn't understand, and I thought she was being selfish. Later I just accepted her wishes without really understanding.

The day I found out she was gone, even though when I saw her in Sept I knew she wouldn't make it much longer-she was getting tired of old age, still left me at first just blank, and then slow increments of thoughts, and what to do next, some spoken out loud some not. Then I remembered there would be no funeral nor graveside services, which filled me with so much peace and calmness, and so many funny, happy, loving memories of her as she was in life, and completely erased the sadness that surrounds death as I have known it before.

I quickly began to understand her wishes, and how much she wanted to make sure we were completely surrounded in comfort, peace, and love when her time came to pass on. She had already been through all the sadnesses of death with her mother, her siblings, her husband, and other loved ones. I too, can remember the uncomfortableness of the steely, cold, dark funeral home, all the people you haven't seen in years, strangers of funeral home directors walking around in formal suits, the dead body laying in the casket with death, tears, and the sounds of crying heartache all over it, especially at the last viewing complete with the sad music during the services, all of which was so gutwrenching for me to hear, see, and feel, and I had not lost my mother, any of my siblings, my husband, or anyone so close to me, so what I felt was not even close to what my grandmother felt- I will never forget.

I also will never forget when I was 11 yrs old the same thing, at my dad's brother's funeral who died fairly young at the age 50....the anguished cries of his mother, his children, and his wife hanging on to the casket and the dead body inside because that would be the last time they would ever see him before the lid was closed. I was waiting my turn on the very last pew in the building, and I was already filled with such heartache at what I was hearing and seeing I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to go for the last viewing I just wanted to flee! So I can only imagine what my grandmother went through at the funeral home when she lost those so very close to her adding on to the top of such loss and pain the stresses involved when a funeral home is involved, and then to leave the ones so loved that have passed on with those being the last memories.

Because of my grandmother's wishes for no funeral of any type she has not left us like that at all, and it has been such an incredible blessing, and shows that she was not selfish with her wishes at all, but in life was more concerned about us at her death because she knew those experiences intimately she had already experienced, which she did not want for us. She left us surrounded in her lovingcare, and our last memories of her are of her in life, which is so joyous, comforting, peaceful, and filled with so much happiness, and no sadness even though we do and will miss her. Instead of mourning her death, we are celebrating her life and the memories we have with her. Her wishes were fulfilled.

Thanks Nanny and I love you, and I miss you.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In memory of My Nanny

July 27th, 1929-January 20th, 2010

I was blessed to have my grandmother for almost 40 years of my life. She passed away January 19. I wanted to remember her here on my blog.

I love and miss you Nanny, and you will always be remembered,


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Thanks For Your Empathy!

Thanks you all for identifying in some way with my raw mom heart in the last 2 post.

I think we as mothers....deeply caring mothers just try so hard to make life "perfect" for our children and homes that when upsetting and trying scenarios happen we tend to blame/fault ourselves. We think we have failed somewhere because in our thoughts we don't know where, or what else to possibly do, and we wonder and we compare, and we ect. (I'm saying "we," which may hold true for you, but is just my opinion, although I certainly welcome yours.)

We are nurturers first and foremost, while also juggling many other varied roles as mothers, and that alone an be overwhelming and consuming (most of) at times! So I'm gonna try to take it a little easier on myself, so that I don't let myself get so hurtfully RAW when she's repeating, whining, crying over and over again "I WANT MY GREEN BUCKET." Because that's all it is-she just wants her "GREEN BUCKET."

I hope you other mothers can try too,

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Last Post...

....was just one of those really, raw, emotionally trying times of parenting...albeit the worst I've ever had. Thanks for listening and for your comments. It helps to know I am not alone, and it also helped...even though it was emotionally raw to just write out my feelings I was feeling that night. The green bucket is history, and hopefully there will not be a red bucket any time soon...unless it's related to the colors of Christmas, and with that I would like to wish each and everyone of you a Very Merry & Warm Christmas and a Very Happy Shiney New Year!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


I wish I could at least type about the title, but I can't because I've heard it for the last hour and a 1/2 over and over again like a broken record, and now there is a broken window, and my tears are about to break.

I see all these blogs where family and parenting life seems to go so smoothly and peacefully. It's 11:30 pm and she still in there crying this time over and over again "mommy.....mama........

and what so bad is I've done the no eye contact, no communication, calmly laying her back down in her room, and then I heard the glass break.

Parenting isn't a pretty picture if we are all honest. I hope. Not that other's have to be if the same rings true in their/your lives, but I find myself having to vent the trying, difficult, times of parenting, especially when there's this sweet little red headed girl who has a serious case of STUBBORNESS!!!, and that's all, which fortunately doesn't happen very often, but when it does it is NOT pretty in many ways. Wears me out mentally, and makes me feel at a loss, but I still am calm to the point of wanting to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even with a broken window, and breaking tears, the feelings of guilt/self-blame, and whatever else these tears are I can't name. Oh..a complete failure I've failed somewhere?! I just cant take this anymore. Why does my life have to be like this? I don't know what else to do. And I don't have just one girl, but 2, 2 yrs apart, and they have almost, no not almost, they have the 2 of them together drove me literally insane. At times. More often than not. And I don't know what else to do. or how else to explain all the negative I haven't even mentioned that comes with trying to be the best parent I can be for them. I just don't think I'm good enough. I'm doing something wrong. There's a 13 yr and a 15yr age difference between my oldest who turned 19 the 27th, and the experiences with him are totally different, and I'm in a lot of ways in some very uncharted territory where I feel totally overwhelmed, and in all honesty I wish I could just run away, but I can't because it's too heartbreaking to think of leaving them, but yet the fantasy of escape is tranquil for my frazzled self.

I do feel guilty posting this because of all the other blogs I read where parents have lost their children, and would probably give anything in the world to hear over and over again "I WANT MY GREEN BUCKET." But I cannot minimize the feelings I have by comparing myself to others who have lost babies because my feelings are just as valid, as all our situations and lives are so unique.

This is raw, and if anyone reads this please forgive me if I have hurt anyone because it's so not my intentions at all.. I'm just a frazzle of emotions right now and this is the only place I don't come because of the all consuming of trying to parent these children. My life is totally upside down, and everytime I right it it's always teetering on the brink only to turn upside down again. Like the game Jenga...that's my life. Over and over again, and I'm getting tired, but when the blocks fall I start again just like the game of Jenga, except I'm living it.

Am I thankful? Yes and No.

All is finally silent now, and my tears will break the silence until I fall asleep.

Friday, October 16, 2009


This was my (and still is) favorite book as a child. We went to see Ice age a few months ago, and when the preview for this movie came on I knew exactly what it was or I was hoping it was, and it was!!!

WTWTA starts today in theaters, and I'm going with my children tomorrow. I can't wait:)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Hurricane Ike Eye

Analogy of meditation